Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 24, 2012 18:38:53 GMT -7
Yes. His heart was leading him to Sigyn. Loki could not deny that even if he had wanted to. He was drawn to her like a magnet, like a warrior far from home. It was an odd feeling for him, for he who had never needed anyone, and who very seldom even bothered to care about anyone but himself. She had changed so much around and within him, in so little time, comparatively. It was remarkable. He doubted anyone from his past would have believed it even if they saw it for themselves.
He paused his tickling when she took his hand. She was no longer in a playful mood, but he now was. He felt like a child, with a strange new world before him. Such was the effect of opening his heart to someone after so long. He was giddy with excitement and fear. He put aside the childishness, though. She wanted him to be an adult, at least for the moment, and so he would be.
He pulled himself up on to the couch to sit where she indicated, like a student eager to learn. Though there was no smile on his face, thee was something in his eyes that reflected hope and openness. He was listening and he was caring. This level of attentiveness was both unusual and beautiful in him. It felt beautiful.
Why had he been so foolish? He wanted to rest his head on her shoulder, to stroke her hair and hold her until she fell asleep. That option was gone now, because he had turned on her, had abused her, and now he found a wall between them where once there had been nothing but happiness. So he sat next to her, close enough to touch, but did not embrace her the way he wanted to. That would have to wait until all her wounds were healed.
"Yes, my love?" He looked at her curiously, hoping this would not be bad news. He'd had enough of pain to last him a while. But if that was what she had to share, he would bear it with her, if that was what she needed.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 25, 2012 2:08:28 GMT -7
Sigyn leaned her side against the backrest, so she could face Loki. She didn't want to sit on the couch as if they were students in class. The room was cozy, so she'd be cozy on that couch. Her hand held her head, elbow supported by the back of the couch. He looked so different now, as if hope had just entered his mind and heart. That terrible blackness was gone, that pit of negative feelings and hatred, those horrible eyes she had stared into when her back had been against the doorframe. This was what she wanted, needed to see. It was not about perfection, truly not, but about hope. About knowing that they'd be there for the other. And they would. Possibly, Loki just needed more time to adapt to that thought.
Sigyn felt almost bad for wanting to share what was on her mind, now that Loki looked at her with those huge green eyes of his, expectantly. But she could not just go from being physically abused and fighting about it, to playful talk and cuddling. There were a lot of issues on their plates. She had begged him not to ignore their existence, she would not do just that.
Lifting her free hand, she touched his hairline with her fingertips, carefully put one strand of hair next to the other. Riding through the storm, fighting and getting out of his damp clothes had quite disruped his jet-black hair. That wasn't even the point, it was about those gentle touches, that she kept on performing while she was talking. "When I was just a girl, I was very angry. I kept on throwing temper tantrums every other day. It only took as much as a pastry not being granted and I would yell and scream and throw myself to the ground. It all peaked when I was about eight years old. My mother was brushing my hair and she was quite harsh doing it. I eventually tore the brush out of her hand, struck out and hit her in the the head. She screamed. I had cracked her skin...........I remember how it looked like, the blood running down her temple. It was my father who decided that I should engage in learning the art of fighting, one way or the other, to channel my anger and vent. And it worked.", Sigyn calmly explained. "Or so they thought. Truth is, it never went away entirely. I'm still angry. Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like to hurt someone. Badly. Most of the times, the victim is my mother, admittedly. That night we met, at the ball, .....we had a fight beforehand, because I didn't want to attend. And she kept on throwing all those accusations into my face, her morals and strange views. I stood there, apparently listening, but all I could think of was how it'd be like to....," she paused. Sigyn had never told anyone about this. She knew it was wrong. She knew it was shameful. But it was within her. "take my spear. Take my spear and hit her. If not.....worse."
Dropping her hand, she took his and squeezed it. "I never acted on that anger ever since I hit her with that brush. But sometimes, I want to. And in those moments, it feels like the right thing to do. You are not alone in this, Loki. You just don't know how to control it. And I don't, either. I just do. Your mistakes do not define who you are. The way you deal with them does. If your assault was what you needed to come clean, then so be it. That does not make you a monster."
Sigyn exhaled, watched his face curiously. This would possibly not turn out to be a light, romantic night. But that was not what they needed, was it?
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 25, 2012 4:02:42 GMT -7
What Sigyn had to tell him came as quite a surprise. Not only had Loki had never imagined her as the violent type, he had not thought that the dark tendency for violence resided within anyone else but him. He had always considered it a personal fault, a flaw, one lodged so deep within himself that it could not be repaired. Yet what Sigyn told him sounded very much like what he often experienced, though on a smaller scale.
His own imaginings were dark and creative. If he allowed himself to, he could come up with ways to torture others that would be worse than death. Perhaps she had those too. He was not sure he wanted to know, if she did. He knew she had her faults as much as he did, but something about picturing her as devious and malevolent as his own desires could be did not make him very happy. She should not have to suffer as he did.
He had seen some of the same things, had felt that anger and that wish to do harm toward his own parents. It made little sense to him, because they had never hurt him physically. Though their words and actions had cut him deeply, was it fair to respond to that with violence? Frigga especially had never done anything to earn that wrath, but still, when she denied him his wants or showed Thor any apparent favoritism, he thought of doing her harm… as though doing so would somehow prove his power over her and his worth as a man. From what he had learned after hitting Sigyn, it did not exactly work that way.
"We are not so different, you and I." The words were spoken quietly, with that wide-eyed hopefulness still in his face. "I have had the same thoughts, wished the same things, but my parents saw it simply as Loki being Loki, and never paid it any mind. Sometimes I wonder how seriously they take me. And I wonder if they would take me more seriously if I… acted on those dark thoughts."
The soft pressure of her hand with his was comforting. But when she spoke of his assault, his lips creased into a frown. She was right in some ways. Hurting her had felt right at the time, but now, looking back, and looking forward, he saw the flaw in that plan's design. There was nothing to be gained by bringing her to harm. Nothing worth gaining, at least.
"What I did was inexcusable. There were so many other ways we could have gotten to this. We could have talked. I should never have…." The sentence trailed off; there was no need for him to recount what he had done. They both remembered it very clearly.
"There must be some way to face it without causing harm… without keeping it inside or taking it out on others. But I do not know what that way would be." He could either be abusive, or he could vent through sword practice or other venues, but if he did the latter, nothing truly came of it. Whatever had bothered him in the first place would persist. Yet talking about it with anyone aside from Sigyn felt foolish, They would only laugh at him. Only she understood.
"Is it something about us that makes us so angry? Perhaps we are…." No. There was no way Sigyn was a monster. Perhaps he was, but not she. "Different. We will work it out together." He gave her a small smile and carefully reached out to run his fingers along the side of her face, hoping against hope that she would not flinch.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 25, 2012 4:36:56 GMT -7
"I don't take you more seriously, because of what you did to me. I take you seriously, because you have the grace, courage and will to face your fears and make up for past mistakes. Violence will never get you respect. Only fear.", Sigyn said. She meant it. But that knowledge did not keep her - them - from wanting to act on all that anger from time to time. Sigyn turned his hand, so she could place her palm against his and weave their fingers together, showing him that their union was still there, there were just a few cracks that had to be repaired. But they were doing it right now, were they not? "Choked me? Pushed me into the tub? Talked to me so callously afterwards?", Sigyn finished his sentence. She did not sound harsh, but it had to be said. His assault had happened, so they had to face it and work it out. Not mentioning it did not meet those requirements. "But it is not, you know? Inexcusable. You need to let me decide about forgiveness, my love, for it was me being the victim of your wrath. It is in my hands entirely and I already forgave you."
She held his gaze intensely. He had to believe her. She would not lie to him. If she had not forgiven him, Sigyn might most likely rub it into his face anyway. Subtly, not so subtly, whatever she felt about it. Had he not come to her this night, had he not talked to her that openly, she might not have granted him that forgiveness. But Loki was giving her his heart, his innermost. That was all she wanted, all she could ask for. "Loki," Sigyn said, dropping her head for a moment in order to rub her eyes with the hand that was not holding his, "How are you supposed to know? You have spent so long burying it inside of you. I don't expect you to be the exact opposite of everything you have been, just because I appear out of nowhere and make this claim. As much as I hate to realize this, but it seems like our honeymoon is over. Reality has commenced."
In fact, when he touched her, Sigyn did not flinch. But she did not feel that familiar, calming peacefulness his touch used to cause, either. She was just a little too rigid, a little too cautious, especially when his fingers neared her neck. Her heartbeat was increasing. No, he could not touch her neck. Not yet. She put her hand on his, that was tracing the line of her jaw, holding it in place. "I want to be happy with you. I want to laugh and fool around. I want to give you children and raise them in unity, with love and understanding and all those things that have been denied from us. If that is not worth fighting for, then I do not know what is."
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 25, 2012 13:12:44 GMT -7
The response Loki got for his questions and thoughts made sense, in that they were answers he had already known or should have known, but allowed himself to ignore. He knew violence would only win him fear, but that had been his goal, had it not? To make her fear him? In his blind rage, he had not seen the love she had for him, and had gone for the next best thing. But fear, he had realized, was not nearly as satisfying as love. It made a poor substitute, had none of the depth that love had.
As she finished his sentence, detailing the things he had done to her, he winced and turned red, out of both embarrassment and anger at himself. This was the woman he loved; such words should never have had to leave her beautiful lips. "Yes, that," he said very softly, without looking up at her.
He was grateful for her forgiveness, though a part of him still did not understand the concept. She had never been as angry with him as he thought she should have been, as he thought he deserved. He believed her, of course, for he knew she would not lie to him, would not steer him wrong. He only squeezed her hand in response, unsure what to say or if in fact anything needed to be said.
She was right again, of course. The honeymoon was over. If it had not been before, his actions had brought a fair end to it.
He was glad to note that she did not flinch, though she did not respond as she usually would either. This would be a difficult night, he could tell. It would take trust and patience. Neither were qualities he possessed in spades. But he would try it for her, would be the most patient and tender man he could be.
He let her stop his hand. He wanted to kiss her, to pull her into his arms, but he knew that level of intimacy was still a ways away. She was so near to him, yet so far away, and it made him feel frustrated with himself. They could have remained happy, as close as they had been, but he had gone and ruined it, and for what? In the end, for nothing good at all.
"I want all of those things. I want to spend every moment with you, seeing everything the nine realms have to offer. I want to raise our children with you, to be a better father than I had. You give me the strength to believe that anything is possible. And I will fight for it, at your side."
With a faint smile, he took the hand that held his in place and pressed his fingers against hers. Her hand seemed so small and delicate compared to his; looks could be so deceptive. "We have had a trying couple of days. Perhaps we should rest, and face these things in the morning." An exhaustion was settling in for him, as being so open and emotional had taken much out of him.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 25, 2012 14:23:47 GMT -7
Oh, Sigyn was mad at him. She had been. After all, first time he had severely hurt her, she had not talked to him in months. And yesterday, she had run off to the cabin in the woods. Truth was, if his actions did not have this profound, deep and unsettling background, she'd still be mad. But once Loki opened up to her, she could see the pain within him. He needed to know that this did not make his actions okay or good, but he did not need to be pushed down and hurt any more than he already had been. Sigyn had rubbed his assault into his face by pointing it out yet again. He knew she would not just be oblivious to it. Now, it was time to move forward.
Funny as it was, Sigyn might even be mad for longer, if it was about minor things. Like Loki teasing her or a fight about nothing of importance.
"Good," Sigyn murmured, her gaze going from his eyes to their hands, lifted and pressed against the other. Indeed, hers looked more delicate in comparison, but Loki did not have the hands of a warrior, as Thor had. His were way prettier, slender and skilful. She wanted to kiss those hands. In fact, she wanted to kiss him. However, she was scared about too much physical contact at the same time. Those emotions were rubbish, they contradicted each other and put Sigyn into a weird position. Still, she had sworn herself not to let her trauma get the best of her.
She let her gaze linger on their hands just while longer, a faint smile forming on her lips. Her voice however, remained a mere whisper. "Are you refering to the fighting or the fucking, my love?" Sigyn quietly said, grinning to herself. Both had exhausted them, one of those for a good reason.
"You may," she added, locking her gaze with him, "kiss me now." Had she read his mind? Maybe. Or maybe, it was just her own wish.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 26, 2012 11:02:28 GMT -7
Had Loki redeemed himself in her eyes? Perhaps not yet. It was difficult to tell. He knew it would be no simple task, to be completed in a day. He would have to carefully work to win back her trust. It could, or would, prove a challenge. It would be done, however, as long as it took, as gentle and patient as he had to be. He loved her, after all. That was not news; he had known it since before he proposed to her. But the depth of that love was something he continued to rediscover, that continued to expand as they both grew together.
He gave her a faint smile in response to her question. "You decide." His answer would have been more clever, but the mental image of them making love had him a little distracted. Of course, he knew it would not happen tonight. There were still boundaries left for them to cross and demolish. Boundaries that, again, would not have been there but for his foolish actions.
He gently placed his hand under her chin, then leaned in and took her lips tenderly. The taste of her was as soothing as honey, some kind of cure-all for the fears inside him. He let her take the kiss as far as she was comfortable going, following her lead.
"I love you, Sigyn," he murmured against her lips. If he could only hold her tonight, fall asleep with her in his arms, he would be happy. He wanted her, of course, and always would. But tonight was for repairing the bridges he had burned, and mending the wounds he had created. He would don anything in his power to make things better.
And he would not ask for anything more.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 26, 2012 13:06:35 GMT -7
Loki had absolved himself, as far as Sigyn was concerned right now. However, they were currently drowning in the calm after the storm, in a situation of emotional closeness and bonding. Of course, all she wanted was for them to be as close as possible in this moment. Sigyn might lose it in a lighter situation, that was not as meaningful. Possibly, if he came close to her neck or cornered her in any way - negative or not - she would feel quite uncomfortable.
But she'd fight and she'd fight well. Because he was the one she loved. Loki was very tender, very modest as he kissed her. He was being careful. Good, that meant he was consciously working on taking it slow in order to make up. It was Sigyn who put a little more force into the kiss, even if it was not even close to being passionate. It did not last long, either. Suddenly, she scooted closer to him, almost climbed his lap and wrapped him into a tight embrace, putting her cheek on his shoulder and her lips against his neck. She exhaled. It felt like a massive burden was leaving her body. "You need to take good care of me, my love," she said in a voice so small and innocent, it almost sounded childish, "You're my family now."
Blindly, she lifted her hand, patted for his cheek and brushed her fingers over it. "I love you, too, your royal wickedness." A small chuckle escaped her lips. It was all going to be alright. This night meant something, even if they were spending it in the servant's living room of a huge mansion, curled up on a couch way to small to sleep on with two people, while outside a snowstorm was blowing.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 26, 2012 19:47:36 GMT -7
The kiss was rather plain by their standards, but it was no less than Loki had expected. It told him that she was becoming a little more comfortable, as she did add a little heat to the kiss. He would be treading carefully for a while, until he was sure she felt fully comfortable and trusting with him again. How much time would that take? Perhaps days, perhaps months. He was prepared for either.
Then she surprised him by embracing him, coming so close that their faces met. He wrapped his arms around her, leaned his head against hers. They would get through this. Nothing was stronger than they were together.
He nodded at her words. From now on, he would take good care of her, the best care he could offer. She would be his family, and he hers. They would start fresh, leave behind the scars and the mistakes. They'd leave behind the old and the negative and soar above it. Anything felt possible in this moment, with her in his arms again.
His lips formed a slight smirk as she returned his affections. He liked that title, insofar as it referred to his trickery. He would not be wicked to her in any other way if he could help it, and even his tricks were limited to tiny, meaningless pranks rather than the elaborate mind games he pulled on others.
The couch may have been too small, but it was where they were, and Loki would find a way to make do. Eventually he might spread a blanket on the floor and sleep there, and let her stretch out on the couch. They would find a way. What was a little night's sleep compared to all they had and would face?
"Sleep well, darling," he said, turning her face to kiss her forehead before turning to allow her to stretch out on the couch, with him beside her for the moment.
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