Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 12:39:26 GMT -7
Only two words were uttered in response to Loki, two words that gave him permission to proceed, but otherwise were entirely unhelpful. They gave him little insight into what Sigyn was thinking, no clues as to where to begin, and most of all, no hint of what it was she wanted to hear. Loki would very gladly have told her whatever she wanted to hear, whether he meant it or not. It was true, Loki very seldom felt regret over his actions; even when he failed at something, his only regret was that he had failed.
He wanted Sigyn back at almost any cost, save his pride and dignity. He would have lied if he had thought lying would work. But Sigyn knew Loki too well, would be able to tell if he lied and would not be happy with it. Indeed, that was probably why she had only uttered the two words. She even knew better than to give Loki any hint of what he should say, for he would simply say it.
"When I compared you to other wives," he began slowly, choosing his words very carefully, "I did not mean to imply that I wanted you to act like them. I love you as you are, and I chose you because you are different. What I meant is…. When you spoke of my past and wanting to win recognition, you spoke as though I had given you no choice in the matter, whether you wanted to join me or not. I have always given you that choice." A sadness overtook his eyes for just a moment, but was gone just as quickly as it had appeared.
"I never meant to offend you. I would like to know what it is I can do to make it up to you," he finished, a little hurriedly, but his words were genuine. He hated feeling this way. Weak. And at the mercy of another. Even though that other was Sigyn. He knew she could be cruel. She had learned from him, after all - the master of cruelty.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
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Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 12:49:25 GMT -7
At least, he had a faint idea what this ire was about, that it wasn't entirely about her mother's sentence anymore, but about Loki's and Sigyn's relationship. She turned towards him, crossed her arms over her chest and waited, she even raised a brow.
She never wanted him to tell her what she wanted to hear. And she did not want to tell him what to do, because some things came either naturally to you or not at all. There was nothing worse than faked, forced affections or apologies. No, that was not the way Sigyn worked. She wanted things to be genuine. Back in the days, when they had met, they had soon discovered how much they hated how fake Asgard and its fancy society was on occasion. She was not going to bring something like this into her family.
Sigyn let him speak with patience, almost menacing silence. She had to count from 10 to 1 in order not to lose her temper yet again, yes his insight into his own wrong doings had calmed her somewhat. "Oh, I know, Loki. I know that you left me that choice, you offered me to leave over and over again. You still do, actually.", she said. Once more, the princess closed her eyes and took a breath. After rubbing the bridge of her nose, Sigyn looked at his eyes again. "I have stood by you every step of the way, Loki. I have always supported you. I have given you advice, when advice was due and I held your hand when you needed it most. For all my life, I took it to heart to show you, to make you feel that you are not alone. That we're in this together. I've never been disgusted by you and I won't be. I adore you.", Sigyn said. She pursed her lips, took yet another breath. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts when you act as though you had not truly needed me? As if my actions and my part in your decisions and actions had been uncalled for? Because that has never been the case. You might have rarely explicitly asked me for support, but you needed it. And you wanted it. And now you pretend it had just been...there? Taken for granted? You couldn't have cared less? No, no no," Sigyn elaborated, getting more irritated and anxious as she spoke, "You bloody needed it." She repeated herself a couple of times. At first, she only gently shoved him. But then, she started to slap his chest, directly on his armor, knowing she would not hurt him badly. Sigyn started to cry in the process. She couldn't do this, she couldn't take this day. Her heart was broken from Odin's actions, from her mother's actions. And the one she truly needed was as hurt as she was. Yet Loki and Sigyn had fought instead of comforted the other. This was not the right way to deal with things like this. They were married. They loved each other, after all.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 14:44:09 GMT -7
Of course, Sigyn did not tell him what to do. That angle never worked. She knew better than to spoon-feed him. No, he would have to work for this, figure it out himself. He knew it would mean much more to her if he did this on his own and it came from the heart. The problem was, he did not know what "this" was. He did not know what it was he should be doing.
Apologizing? That was not what she wanted, and he knew it. But that was where his best guess ended. There must be something he had to say, something she wanted to hear, or perhaps see him do. Yet there was little hint that Loki could find in her words. Was she asking him to change his ways, to stop asking her to leave? It would not be so simple as that; there was more at play in the recesses of Loki's mind than even he knew existed.
But she did not only speak. She started to beat against his chest, then began to cry. This was not something he had expected and, moreover, he had no idea how to respond to it. She was right, in some ways, but not in others. But how could he explain that it was his pride at issue, his pride that made him pretend he had not needed her? And his own insecurities that made him push her away? Even Loki was not sure why Loki did these things sometimes.
He stopped her hands from hitting him, then pulled her into his arms. "I needed it." He held her close, if she allowed it. "Yes, I needed it. I needed you there, every time." The tone of his voice indicated that there was a but ahead. "But the things you said, when I was only trying to help you, the way you mocked me… is that standing by me? For you have certainly stood with me in the past, but today, all we have done is hurt each other, when we should be united in our grief."
His frown deepened. "You say you are not disgusted by me, and I believe you. But it is hard to remember when I am only now learning not to be disgusted by myself." The fact that he was a Frost Giant still cut deep, being a monster he had been taught to hate. That and more he still had yet to get over.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
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Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 14:54:01 GMT -7
Sigyn struggled at first, but then melted against his chest. By the time she had calmed down - or at least stopped hitting him - she had wrapped her arms around him and put her face against his shoulder, quietly sobbing. She had sobbed a lot lately. Sigyn hated it. She did not like being weak just as much as he hated it. But when it came to her boys - and everything connected to them - she just couldn't help it. Only a mother would understand this. Or a father, very likely. Loki did, so she figured.
Of course, he was right. They had only fought and offended the other today. Sigyn did not claim having said the right words and behaved well. But on the other hand, she had been - and was - in an exceptional situation. Could she ask him to cut her more slack. To let it pass and not be too particular with his scolding? Couldn't he just have realized it had been her grief talking? Or had he tried, but she had gone too far. Sigyn knew which buttons to push in order to irriate him. She barely remembered every little detail about their fight. But she knew herself. She knew she could be a bitch if she wanted to irritate people and she had wanted to make him angry. "I know you only tried to help. But this matter is.......it robs me of my sanity. Of my reason, my judgement." Of course, he had lost his children, too. But it had been her mother cursing her. Sigyn's body had been tainted from this. Maybe, for once, she was the one being affected most.
Sigyn took a deep breath, withdrew from her embrace. She lifted her hand, dried her wet cheeks. "I know it is not going to be well just like that. I do not ask you feel no more disgust right away. I will never stop telling you, showing you that I adore you. But that is not even the matter, Loki." Sigyn sat down on the edge of the bed. In times of trouble, she'd always try to find a guiding light, a path to go even if it was long. She'd see clearly eventually. This time however, her mind was clogged, there was fog in front of her inner eye and it did not seem to clear up. It almost seemed as though someone else had taken control of her mind. "I'm sorry. But with this, I am not myself. And I do not know what to do about it."
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 15:31:33 GMT -7
The tears that fell from Sigyn's eyes were not reassuring. This had been an emotional day for them, from frustration to anger to sadness, it seemed. Then again, maybe her tears were a good sign. Maybe she was coming down from her earlier upset. Maybe a bit of crying had been what was needed.
He nodded gently when she spoke of her sanity. He understood well how something or someone could affect the way one thought. His family had made him the same way, once. But he had learned to shut it all out, though that was not what he wanted for Sigyn. He was not certain he was better off for having ignored his own feelings for so long.
She went to take a seat on the bed, and told him she was not herself. He could have guessed that much, but did not say so. Instead he went to her and stood in front of her, taking her hands in his as he crouched before her. "I do not know what to do either," he confessed. "But I do know whatever we do, we must do together. We will figure this out."
He raised her knuckles to his lips, but only kissed them lightly, and closed his eyes. "Know that I love you, no matter what I do, even when I do not say so. You and the boys are my world. We will find some way to deal with this. We will. We just need to rest and clear our minds a bit." He looked at her. "I will leave you to spend your night with your thoughts, if that is what you prefer."
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 15:38:59 GMT -7
He was right. She had known it all along. She had wanted it all along. There was no 'I' anymore, there was only a 'we'. It didn't even need a reminder for her to feel that way and that was exactly the reason why his previous words had hurt her so. The thought of not having to do this by herself were reassuring, comforting, yet somehow, this time it was different. This time, there was no control, nothing. Sigyn didn't know herself in this matter.
"No," she hurried to say as he suggested that she could spend this night alone. "No, don't leave. Please." Her gaze, her face, her trembling lip, everything spoke of urgency and despair. Now that they had talked reasonably. She had not truly wanted to be alone to begin with, she just had wanted to prove a point. And somehow, it had worked. "I'm scared, Loki," Sigyn admitted in a whisper. She could not afford being scared, she was a mother. Her children would be scared on occasion, Loki might be scared due to everythingt that was going on with him and his true heritage, the insecurities that tormented him. She was the one person that could not afford being scared, yet she was trembling from her fear. "I am so scared I'll lose my grip. Asgard is....Asgard...Odin.....I do not know how to deal with this, I do not know where this leaves us. I am a stranger to myself." She held on to his hands tightly, stopping her hands from shaking. "If I lose my sanity, who is going to take care of my boys? All three of them?" Because that was her job, her purpose, her calling. She was here to make sure Vali, Narvi and Loki were fine.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 15:58:20 GMT -7
Now that they had truly spoken, the necessity of spending the night alone was gone. Loki was glad for that, yet he was also unsettled by the way Sigyn asked him not to leave. There was urgency in her voice. Was there something else on her mind, something more troubling her? He soon found out as she explained her fears to him.
"You will not lose your sanity, Sigyn," he said in a voice that was quiet, yet strong and hopefully reassuring. "Asgard is many things. Odin is many things. Yet neither are enough to destroy you. You have the boys and you have me. You have your father and Greta as well. We will keep you strong."
He ran his hand along her arm, to stop her shaking as if it was caused by a chill. "We will do what we must. If we must kill Freia and risk punishment, so be it. If you choose to wait, we will. But I will not lose you, Sigyn." There was a bite of anger to those words, anger not at her, but at the forces that would steal her from him. "I will not lose you."
Standing up now, he took a seat next to her on the bed and wrapped an arm around her. The look in his eyes was one of concern. "What do you want to do?" he asked quietly, a very general question, for her to answer as she saw fit.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 16:05:12 GMT -7
Those words did calm her down. They reminded her of the fact that against all odds, she had strong bonds that were loyal only to her. The commitment and devotion she gave her family were given back to her. If she was weak, they'd catch her. Seeing herself as the person whose purpose was to keep the family together, it was hard for her to admit that she needed the same support every so often. She dropped her head, looked at her lap and took a breath. She just had to talk to him if she needed reassurance and things would be alright. Sigyn only had to remind herself that it was okay to lean on him.
The last remnants of her stubbornnes still lingered on her mind. So it took her a moment to lean against him when he sat on the bed and wrapped an arm around her. Eventually, her head came to rest on his shoulder. Where it should be. "I do not know," Sigyn confessed, "I have never been so .....obsessed with this desire for revenge. I do not know." Maybe, in the long run, it was not even wise to kill Freia, to take her out. But if Odin himself came to find Sigyn right now and left the choice to her, she'd sentence her mother to death and she'd do the deed herself. "But after all, what matters is what is best for Narvi and Vali." Sigyn sat up again, turned to look at him. "I cannot make a proper judgement in this matter, Loki. I need you to do that."
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Loki Laufeyson
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God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 16, 2012 19:02:14 GMT -7
Finally, Sigyn leaned on Loki's shoulder. That signaled to him that everything would be fine. They had not yet figured out what could be done, but they would get there. Soon they would decide what path to follow. Loki preferred to do that after a night of sleep. He had no pretenses that it would be restful sleep.
He gazed at her as she spoke. He certainly knew about an obsession with revenge. At times, it was all he thought about. Revenge for the way he'd been treated by his family. Revenge for being hurt so many times by the people he had once, briefly, led. And more recently, revenge against the woman who had cursed his wife and killed his sons.
Lightly grasping her chin, he told her, "If revenge is what you choose, I will help you. But if you ask me what is best for our sons… they will not want to believe their mother a murderer, especially not of their own grandmother. One day, if they do not learn it themselves, we will have to explain to them what happened, and what will that sow? One Loki is enough." He had killed, yes, unrepentantly, and sometimes without reason. He was aware of that. Whether he wanted his sons to do the same was another story, another question bearing answer.
After glancing away for just a moment, he met her eyes again. "I would rather rest and think about it tomorrow. By then my frustration with Odin will have settled." He had not forgotten that she had suggested getting rid of Odin. That was another option to consider. Yet he could not bring himself to do so. It was a bad idea, he knew that firsthand. And he would not allow himself to sit back and watch as Sigyn also made the attempt.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 17, 2012 10:58:00 GMT -7
It was as though their roles were reversed, as if Sigyn was turning into Loki and vice versa. The voice of reason now came from him, whereas she was driven by revenge and scheming. But she couldn't grasp the concept he was laying out for her, this time quite sweetly. "Is this what I'd be? A murderer?", Sigyn asked, frowning as she searched for his gaze. She sounded calm, no, defeated. She was weary of the fighting with him. He was her heart, she needed him to comfort her, not to yell at. "Why would I be the murderer? Her death would be the right sentence. Moreover, Greta has been more of a grandmother to the boys than Freia had. She had always kept them on distance, knowing they would ...........pass eventually. Early." She didn't understand how she'd be the murderer, the criminal, if he took her out. What about her boys? Would they be scornful if they learned the truth, once they'd understand? Or would they be scornful if their parents did not take care of the matter the 'right' way? Sigyn did not know. She only knew one thing: She wouldn't - couldn't - rest until Freia was dead. "I..I...I...," she stuttered, suddenly, chuckling, "I had this image in mind....of you and a little black haired girl, that pulls your hair and pinches your face, but all you can do is kiss her and hold her and protect her, I.......", Sigyn explained, making a fist in front of her heart, "I want this so badly. Another baby, a girl, more family, I...........but I cannot envision it for too long, because all I feel is wrath...wrath and...restlessness. Loki, I want to recover from this. And I'm scared I won't be able to unless Freia is dead."
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 17, 2012 21:20:11 GMT -7
Frowning, Loki reconsidered what he had said. In technical terms, yes, Sigyn would be a murderer, as she would have taken a life. Yet the word murderer had a connotation that did not suit the situation. The word stank of crime, of indignity. This would be the opposite. This would be a service to the realm, to finally be rid of such a woman as Freia.
However, Loki could not say for sure what the boys would think once they learned of it, if Sigyn did indeed kill her mother. Perhaps they would see it as he and Sigyn saw it. But what if they did not understand? They would never forgive their parents, if that became the case. Loki did not want that, would not be able to stand that happening.
He had no idea what to say as Sigyn told him of her vision. It was beautiful. He could see it as well, a little girl as lovely as her mother, and as courageous and fun-loving as well. The boys he was protective of already, and loved with all his heart, but a little girl… a little girl would make him happier than he could ever have imagined.
"Perhaps we can trick Odin into executing her somehow," he mused. "That way, neither of us need risk trouble. Unless, you want to do it yourself." He was certain he could fool Odin into changing his mind. Yet if this was a matter of Sigyn doing it herself, they would have to come up with a different plan. They, for no matter how he worried that their plans may prove ineffective, he would not leave Sigyn to complete them alone. He was beginning to understand how Sigyn felt whenever he decided to go off on one of his own schemes.
Gently he pressed his forehead against hers, looking into her eyes. "The wrath and restlessness may fade in time," he told her. "Or they may fester, and haunt you long beyond this day. It is entirely your choice, my love. I would not wait to find out, I would end this matter in some way as soon as possible. But whatever you choose, I will be with you."
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 18, 2012 14:39:10 GMT -7
"I do not know, Loki," Sigyn said, leaning her face into her hand in order to rub her eyes. She felt so exhausted and tired, yet too upset and restless to actually go and get some sleep. Did she want to kill Freia herself? Her innermost did not give her too much information about her needs and revenge right now. It was all just a confusing mess. Sigyn had been scared often during her long life, it came with the job description as The God of Mischief's wife, but she couldn't recall having been so utterly confused. And confusion was something she didn't do well. Not knowing about his status - during battle - or about his schemes was torture. But not being aware of her own situation was....scary, to say the least.
She took a long breath and lifted her head again. Turning to him, she furrowed her brows. "Will it? Will it fade? Did your wrath ever fade? Even I have not been able to fix you during thousands of years. How can you tell me it will fade when you are the living example for the opposite?", she asked him, but this time, there was no harshness, no accuasations. There was concern, yes. Empathy, emotion. Secretly, Sigyn considered herself a failure for not making him entirely happy. If she could take away his pain, she'd do so in a heartbeat. Yet, she had never managed to heal the wounds his soul was bearing. So how could this ever fade, if she didn't fix it? She knew how high he held his title, how his standing in Asgard was important to him, against all odds and issues. She'd never take it away from him against his will, but every now and then, she just wanted to escape. Now more than ever. Right now, Sigyn would refuse every dinner invitation, every official event that she could avoid without hurting Loki's reputation. She would try her hardest to keep both Frigga and Odin away from her children. If they loved Narvi and Vali as they deserved it, Freia would be dead by now. However, she was not so sure whether she'd see things differently in time. "I don't want your parents to see the boys, Loki. They don't deserve their love.", she eventually said, but lacking conviction. Once more, her confusion showed. Confusion of a woman that had always held on to her clear mind.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 18, 2012 19:42:16 GMT -7
As Sigyn pointed out his unconscious, unintentional lie, Loki bowed his head. She was right. His own wrath had never faded, only scarred over, memories of past hurts. What a hypocrite he was, then, for telling her that it would be different for her. He stood by his words, though, convinced that he could spare her the same fate he had suffered.
"It isn't the same," he tried, "you have always been better than me at handling these things. You know better than to let this grow inside of you." He was at least partly right, he felt. She could manage her feelings; he couldn't manage his. This was a difficult one, but she would get through it, just as she had in the past. Wouldn't she?
Perhaps he was taking her resilience for granted. But he really had only seen her truly break down once or twice, the notable time being after Narvi's death. Surely they could deal with this frustration in time. Yet Loki was not sure it was wise to simply sit back and see whether the pain and frustration would go away.
When she suggested not letting his parents see the boys, Loki frowned slightly. He wanted to be able to take his sons to his parents, to share his happiness with them. But his parents had just proved that they cared nothing for their grandsons. Why should they get to share in his happiness?
"I agree," he said softly, his eyes not meeting hers. That left the boys with only their grandfather Iwaldi. It was a shame, but unless Odin and Frigga changed their minds, it could not be helped.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
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Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Sept 19, 2012 10:36:57 GMT -7
"And yet, I have failed to make you alright," Sigyn said, lifting her gaze to him. Gently, she put her hand on his knee, squeezing ever so lightly. Could he make her okay in this? She loved this man more than she loved herself, more than she loved anything, save for her children, naturally. Once, Sigyn had believed that everything would be okay as long as Loki was with her. Maybe, she had been naive then. Perhaps, love couldn't fix anything. Her greatest failure had been not being able to take enough care of him to chase his demons away. That was the reason why she felt bad when she needed his support: If she was weak, she couldn't be strong for him. For now however, life had left her little choice, putting her into this miserable place of heartache and thoughts on revenge.
"I should have.....put more effort in taking care of you, perhaps, you'd be happier then. And now, we're in this mess and I know that you are hurting, too." Dropping her head, she took a breath. "I am so sorry I cannot be who I should be to you now." Did she think he deserved better than her? No, not at all. Because Sigyn knew how complicated he was and how little effort others might have put into keeping this man alive and happy. Even in retrospective, she didn't know what she could have done differently. Maybe, more compliments, more kisses, more touches? Could there have been more? Loki might feel that Sigyn deserved better than him, but Sigyn thought she had not done her best job taking care of him, either. And that, shamed her.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Sept 19, 2012 17:54:07 GMT -7
It was unfair to Sigyn that she should have to fix him, to undo centuries of damage that had been done long before they had met, long before she had been born. Loki had never expected her to do such a thing. He only wanted her to take him as she was, all broken pieces of him, and she had done that. He would always thank her for her efforts.
"You are Sigyn, and that is all I need you to be." He lifted her head by gently placing his palms on her cheeks. "There is noting you should or could have done better. You have been wonderful. Do you not see how you have healed me? I could never have loved… so deeply as I love you and our sons." A little playfully, he nudged her chin up with his knuckles, then took her hands.
"You may not have fixed me completely, but you have done much more than anyone else has, including myself. It will be a long process, and perhaps it is an impossible one. Yet you have never given up. In case I have not said it before - thank you." Slowly he lifted her hands to his lips and kissed both of them.
"Now we must turn our attention to solving the problem before us. We will worry about me some other time." The look in hi eyes was something like sadness, with the knowledge that whatever they did, they would likely not come out ahead. But if they were going to do something, they may as well commit and decide on it, and do it soon.
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