Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 13:54:16 GMT -7
Time healed all wounds, they said. It was so utterly utterly wrong. Maybe, there were some wounds that would not turn into a scar. Would not heal, would not wither, would not disappear to remain a faint memory and nothing more. Some wounds were forever. And Sigyn was carrying two of those in her heart. On her heart.
Of course, she was not a wreck. She was a goddess, she was nearly eternal. And she had a husband that she loved. In this day and age, she was okay on the outside and mostly, on the inside. She had bad days about this, of course. But she was strong and she had figured out how to continue without turning into a mourning pile of mush.
However, today was one of those bad days. Decades, centuries ago on this date, their youngest son Narfi had died after battling illness for months. Nobody had known which kind of sickness had struck him. Nobody had found a cure. Narfi had outlived his older brother Vali. He had died a couple of years prior. Sigyn had always been closer with Narfi. She had never had a favourite son, but somehow, the bond to her youngest had been strongest. When Vali had died, the loss had torn Sigyn apart. When she had held her son's hand as he had made his final breaths, she had worn a warm, calm face, supporting her child, guiding him into a peaceful death. When Vali had made his last breath, she had gently kissed his forehead, tucked him in and gotten up. Loki had sat with her, of course. Odin, Frigga and Thor had waited outside. Sigyn had gotten up, straightened out her clothes, kissed Loki and had left the room. She had not shed a single tear at this point, neither had she said any word. She had only given her family a small nod and gone into Narfi's room. The little boy had been sleeping. Sigyn had climbed into bed with him, pulled him close and lain there, for hours, wide awake. The next morning, she had made breakfast for her son and eventually, told him about his brother passing. It had taken her days to cry and when she had, she had not accepted anyone but Loki being around her. At the service, she had been as strong as before, holding her little boy's hand as he had watched his brother's body burn. She had had to be strong, because there had been a little boy in the need of his mother. At night, Sigyn had snuck out in order to practice her fighting. She had done everything not to let the pain get to her.
But when Narfi had passed in the same fashion as his brother, she had lost all reason to be strong. Of course, she had held his hand, tucked his lifeless, yet still warm body in. But after that, she had broken down into Loki's arms, sobbing, crying, begging to be taken instead of her son. She had not left her chambers, bed, in weeks, had not eaten, had not drank. She had cried and slept, haunted by nightmares. It had taken her more than a year to get back on track, at least, to start returning to a normal life. As far as anything could be normal after losing two children.
Millenia had passed. The pain was still the same. The wound bleeding forevermore.
The anniversary of Narfi's death was worse than the anniversary of Vali's death. Both were horrible, but this particular day made Sigyn's troubled thoughts pull and tear at the other, reminding her of both her boys and the void they had left in her. She was unpredictable, emotionally. Being around people that knew about the date was tricky. They didn't know how to approach her. More than once, Sigyn had lost her temper and yelled or even tried to physically attack even Greta. She would cry or yell, even throw things. She'd be out of her mind.
Very early in the morning, she had left the warm bed she was sharing with Loki, who had still been sleeping. She didn't want to see anyone. So she had gotten dressed in clothes suitable for practice. Pants, a metal corset, boots. Sigyn was on autopilot, while a storm was brooding on the inside. She had eaten breakfast by herself, quickly so she would not bump into someone. After that, she had taken off to the stables, got her black horse and had headed to the forest, the lake, that meaningful place. By the break of dawn, Sigyn had already practiced so much with her double ended spear, that she was covered in sweat and out of breath. She didn't stop, though. She couldn't.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 15:24:15 GMT -7
Upon waking that morning, two thoughts hit Loki at the same time: that Sigyn was not beside him, and the reason for her absence.
This day was etched into his memory permanently, an anniversary devoid of any joy, a bringer of new pain and old memories. Every year it grew more difficult for both of them. Perhaps it should have been the opposite, but somehow it was not, but simply grew more bitter with each new year.
They remembered Vali's death as well, but it was Narvi's who pained them more, simply because they had lost him second, in the same way as their first. Loki had known better than to pick a favored son, being the unfavored son of his own father. But a loss felt twice sears more deeply the second time around, or at least it did for them. They had taken the loss hard, for many reasons.
Though he had never told Sigyn as much, Loki was certain the problem was with him. Of his other children, one was an eight-legged horse, one was a giant snake, and one was a wolf. Only Hela had turned out to be anything approaching "normal" for an Aesir. Narvi and Vali had been normal in appearance, but their constitution had been weak, and he theorized that this had led to their passing so early in life.
whatever the reason, the losses had broken Sigyn's heart, as well as his own. But where he had become bitter, she had kept it inside, as she always did. At first he had tried to coax the pain out of her, but she was stubborn, and he had given up around the same time their family had stopped coming to her on this day. They had learned to leave her alone.
Loki, however, would not leave her alone. He would withstand her words and anything she chose to physically hurl at him. It was his duty, not as her husband, but as the second half of her whole. He wanted to feel what she was feeling. If it made him more bitter, more dark, then so be it.
He pulled himself out of bed and dressed himself in sparring attire. She would be at the lake, practicing. It was her way of venting her frustrations. Ignoring everyone, from the servants to the passersby along the way, he rode to their spot at the lake, slowing the horse to a walk once he saw her. The sun was just rising, yet she looked as though she had been practicing for hours.
At that moment, upon seeing her, he recalled the pressure of her body against his as she had cried in his arms, the emptiness that had surrounded him as she had laid in bed for so long. As she had mourned, he had been directionless. He had been able to "recover" - for he never truly had, not inside - much faster than her, since he had not shared the same bond as she had with their sons. He had just been learning how to be a true father with them. And he had not been their mother, the one who had brought them into the world.
He dismounted and approached her, a spear in his own hands. His was not double-ended, as he did not care much for that particular weapon. It meant more to him as Sigyn's weapon of choice. They had practiced together on many occasions over the millennia, both growing more proficient as they did. This was not the same, though. This was a battle, not against each other, but against something intangible and unconquerable.
No words needed to be spoken. They each knew what had brought the other here. Loki took up a ready stance, an offer for her to use him. They both needed to get rid of some emotions, and if all they had today was each other, then that was the best he could offer her.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 15:38:59 GMT -7
It wasn't him, surely not. Loki had children that were perfectly alive. Of course, they did not all have a body as Loki and Sigyn had, but they were alive and ancient. They were magical, Loki was a god. No matter their shape, they were fine. And moreover, they were alive.
Sigyn thought, - she knew - that the problem lay within her. Maybe, fate did not consider her a good mother, suitable to raise children. It was not meant to be. Apart from the terrible pain the loss of a child would do to a mother, Sigyn was also confronted with her inability to give Loki children that would live, that'd be healthy and make him proud. She was not making him proud. Sigyn had not know how desperately she wanted to be a mother, to have children, until she had realized she was pregnant with Vali. And now, she was without child again. By now, one thing was obvious: Everything that'd come to life in her womb would fade quickly. Never again. She could never again go through the pain of losing another child. How very twisted was fate, to make her happy about the children Loki had had before they had gotten married. At least, he had procreated. One urge down, given that he couldn't properly do that with Sigyn. Maybe, one day, he'd have the urge to have another child, one resembling him in appearance. And if he had to take another woman for that, Sigyn would endure that pain. Her womb was a cursed, secret graveyard. Producing death and pain for everybody involved.
Her face was entirely damp of sweat when she turned. The sound of hooves hitting the ground had caught her attention. In fact, she didn't even have to take a look, she knew it was Loki. And he had known she'd retreat to this place. An immense rush of anger tensed her body up, but at the same time, empathy was about to overwhelm here. It was a wicked combination of contradicting emotions. It wasn't like Sigyn did not want to let him hold her and voice her emotions. She did. She was aware of them. She just chose to ignore it. Crying her heart out would not do any good. Her boys would still be dead. Nothing would bring them back.
She did not even wait until Loki's feet had hit the ground. Sigyn was already lounging forward. Deep down, she knew he was aware of her tension, about the fact that she'd probably just go for it. After all, they had gone through this days quite often. It didn't always go the same, but riding out to the lake to practice was Sigyn's number one choice of venting. Her jaw was clenched, her face looking strained as she swirled her spear over her head and then, attacked her husband, not a sound coming from her mouth.
Underneath it all lingered appreciation for his empathy. And undying love.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 22:32:21 GMT -7
Wordlessly, she attacked, and he met her blow with a parry, their two weapons blocking each other in midair. They went back and forth, the sound of their spears clashing the only noise around them. She fought with such fury and vigor that his moves were purely defensive at first - here parrying, there jumping back to avoid a hit. She had grown more than proficient at the art of handling her double-edged spear.
They had practiced often in this very same spot, sometimes in sunshine and sometimes in rain. Sometimes he won and sometimes he lost. He had an advantage in terms of strength, but she was fast on her feet, and cunning. They balanced each other well, usually.
Today she fought him more forcefully than usual. Driven by pain, anger, frustration, and other emotions Loki could not pinpoint, she put more weight behind her strikes. Dancing back to avoid a hit, he feinted low and then struck high, and she blocked the hit, resulting in their spears crossing vertically, bringing them face to face.
"They were the greatest triumphs of my life, after you," he said. "I loved them."
He broke the block and started to circle her. She looked beautiful like this, even sweaty and unkempt. He had always appreciated the look of a corset on her. He spun the spear in his hands, redistributing its weight. He hadn't gotten a good grip on it with her sudden attack."When we lost them, I thought I'd lost you too."
Stepping back, he leveled the spear at her chest, which she blocked. They went back and forth again, each matching the other strike for strike until a feint followed by a quick hit to his shoulder knocked Loki off balance while he tried to dodge it. breaking his fall with his hand, he started to get up, but Sigyn now had the advantage.
There was no one around them, no one to witness the words they might share. The city had yet to awaken. It was just the two of them with their spears, their memories, and the tragedy of a day to get through.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 22:59:29 GMT -7
Sometimes, it was scary how well they knew each other. Loki let her vent, he was quite defensive. Sigyn had practiced for so long, if she used the spear these days, it felt like it belonged to her body. The way she pirouetted while striking her blows almost looked like a dance. She knew Loki could do better than this. If she were a real opponent, he might as well use magic, too. And in fact, she'd do the same. But they didn't. They fought with their weapons only, almost feverishly. "Don't baby me, Loki," Sigyn hissed, swirling the spear above her head yet again. She didn't want him to be defensive. Sigyn didn't have to win. She just wanted to let it all out. Although panting, she did not stop. Suddenly, he was close. Just the spears in between them. Had everyone else mentioned their boys, she might have felt caught red-handed. She wasn't here to spar or to practice, she was hear to fight the pain. He knew that. And she knew he did. Their gazes were locked intensely, but there was no hatred for him in hers. In fact, the look in her eyes was the only thing showing her pain, her torture and the love she had for him. "I still do," Sigyn hissed. Why would she stop loving them, just because they had passed away? She'd always love her children. She'd always love him. "Never.", she retorted. Sigyn had sworn an oath she wouldn't betray. She had his back, always, no matter the consequences. She knew he was hurting, too. But her pain was so big, in this matter, Sigyn was almost incapable of putting herself aside and taking care of Loki. It was the most difficult situation she had ever been in and she'd be in there forever. And eventually, Loki fell and lost his weapon. Sigyn was staring at him, spear in her hand as he got up. One of the ends directed at him. This fight could go on forever, but all of a sudden, she didn't want to fight anymore. Frustratedly, Sigyn groaned, dropped her spear and turned around, started to march down towards the lake instantly, hands in her hips, mouth gaping open as she tried to regain some composure, get her breathing back to normal. She was walking away from him, even though she wanted to turn to him. After all those years, she had learned to do that, but failed when it came to this.
When she had reached the edge of the lake, she sat down, took another breath and evenutally, leaned back. Hands on her corset, Sigyn was concentrating on the movements of her chest rising and falling. Up and down, up and down. Why hadn't her boys kept on doing that? Why had they stopped?
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 1, 2012 23:52:38 GMT -7
They battled, their weapons providing outlets for both of them. Yet Loki felt the anger and frustration he felt not releasing itself, but instead burrowing deeper into his heart. Maybe it was that he was exposing more emotions than he had thought existed within him. Perhaps he had to tear open the wound in order for it to heal. Whatever it was, it hurt, more than anything he had ever felt.
Unlike Sigyn, he felt the loss of their children more deeply than he had their presence. Vali and Narvi were lost to him, and he could spare no more love for them. Love led to pain every time, excepting his love for Sigyn. Would that one day turn to pain as well? Would he lose her as he had feared?
Indeed, he was bitter, cold, afraid, everything he could not allow anyone else to know he was. His children could not be a weakness in him. It was enough that Sigyn herself was a danger to Loki, in that if he did lose her, he would likely lose his mind next. And, after Sigyn, his mind was his most precious attribute. Without her, he had only his mind, and without his mind, he had nothing.
Dodging her spear, he lost his balance and fell, giving her ample time to approach and aim her weapon at him. Yet by the time he was standing upright, she was tossing her spear aside. This was unexpected, especially to him. He had planned this out in his mind somewhat. She would let out all her anguish, and be relatively calm for the rest of the day. Or so he had imagined.
Why had she walked away? He dropped his own spear and walked to the lake as well. He took his steps slowly, giving her space. She would know he was following her in any case.
He saw her sit down and put her hands to her chest. When he finally reached her, he wrapped an arm around her waist, if she allowed him to.
"We can try again," he said softly, knowing how she felt about the subject. "We can always try again. It could be different this time. We won't know unless we try."
He was sure he was the problem. And maybe, just maybe, if they tried hard enough, they would find success. He wanted to raise a child with her, as he had never raised the others he had given life to. He wanted to watch them grow up, and teach them all he could to prepare them for their long lives. And he wanted those children with her, and no one else.
He remembered Narvi and Vali well. Sometimes it felt as though the boys had been with them just yesterday. Yet years, decades, centuries had passed without them and still, the pain remained. He had seen it in her eyes as they fought, and he knew it had not faded now.
He could feel it in her, as much as he felt it within himself.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 0:15:50 GMT -7
Of course, he'd follow her. Sigyn was rarely the kind of woman that marched away just to make someone catch up. It was not like this. While she usually was quite controlled and in charge, she wasn't when it came to her boys. Most of the times, even if she figured things out with herself or with Loki in private, she knew about her innermost. She was capable of telling anger from pain, happiness from excitement. With Narvi and Vali, she didn't. She had wanted to put distance between herself and Loki, yet she needed him more than usually now. So when he approached, Sigyn - who had just fought him with a spear - leaned against his side and put her head on his shoulder, watching how the new sunlight was reflecting on the water's surface.
Misery loved company. It was true. His presence was exactly what she needed right now, even though Sigyn might not know what exactly it was she wanted. Yell? Cry? Continue to fight? After this day, she'd get her act together again, be strong. She needed this time to figure it out. Upon hearing his suggestion however, Sigyn lifted her head, brushed her hand through her face in order to get the sweat from dropping into her eyes. "No," she said calmly now, turning to look at him, "no child should bear the burden of being conceived in despair, being born as a substitute. And I don't know whether it'd be anything else but trying to ease the pain of lo,-", she started. She could not finish the sentence. Her throat felt swollen, her eyes were itching. Sigyn took a deep breath. And another. "And I don't think I could take losing another child of mine.", she finally added, looking at the lake again. As it seems, everything ...everyone growing inside of me will find death soon. She had never said those words, thoughts out loud. It would make her failure real. Not even Greta had heard those words. No one had. Did she want another child? Maybe. But most of all, she wanted Narvi and Vali back. "I don't want another. I want them back.", she voiced her thoughts, talking thinly, fragile. "I'm so sorry I cannot provide you with the strength you need for this. I'm trying." So, she had not only failed to bear him sons that'd live. She also failed supporting him through the loss of his children. Sigyn wanted to be a good, loyal wife and companion to him, yet she couldn't.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 12:06:22 GMT -7
Would it be best to just sit in silence, letting their thoughts envelop them? Or should he speak now, to get her to answer and tell him what she was feeling? As morbid as it sounded and felt, Loki wanted to share Sigyn's pain. He knew it was greater in her than in him, that she was having a harder time coping than he was. He could not imagine how it felt to her, but he wanted to. He wanted to share that burden with her. She should not have to bear it alone.
He was not sure whether his suggestion of trying again would be welcome. Actually, he knew it would not be. He would not have been surprised had she gotten upset. She didn't. She remained calm, and that was what worried him. If she was holding back, keeping something inside, it would be hard for him to tell when she was like this.
As she broke off her sentence, Loki hugged her tighter, and kissed her cheek lightly. He was not sure he could take losing another child either, but he was willing to try. What he was not willing to do was lose her. If she felt she could not take the pain again, he would not force her to.
They shared almost everything with each other, but he had no idea how she felt about herself when it came to bearing children. He thought she agreed with him, that their losses were his fault. If she had thought about it at all, which he was sure she had. On days like this one, their children were all either of them could think about.
He looked out at the lake, almost hearing their sons' voices on the wind. He could not bring them back. Even he, the most powerful of sorcerers, with all the black magic available to him, could never have brought them back. And for what reason? What would have kept them from dying again? Perhaps their lives were meant to be this way, for some unknown and cruel reason. Loki did not believe in fate, but there had to be some logic behind it all….
She apologized to him for not being able to make him strong in all this. Shaking his head, he looked at her, and gave her the faintest of smiles. He was not concerned about himself, but about her. She was the one in need of their shared strength.
"If we each must be weak today, let us be weak together." He reached for her hand and squeezed it. He would sit with her as long as she wished him to, would do whatever she asked of him, unless that meant leaving her to herself. He did not fully trust her to be alone. She was strong, yes, but grief had a way of stealing one's rational thoughts and changing them with desperate actions. Loki knew that well.
"We cannot bring them back, but we can remember them. We are remembering them." He was not sure what more to say or do. He had never been skilled at comforting others, unless he was comforting them with lies. This he could not do with Sigyn. So he simply held her close, willing her to be strong. This day had only just begun.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 12:23:44 GMT -7
Sigyn had been much more stubborn and moody back in the days. Especially having children had calmed her down. When both of the boys had been able to walk, they had been like a bag of fleas, impossible to stop them from doing all the mischief they had been doing. They had clearly been their father's boys. Narvi had even looked like the spitting image of Loki, Vali had resembled his mother.
On this day - and the anniversary of Vali's death and both boys' birthdays, to sum it up - Sigyn was as unpredictable as she had been thousands of years earlier. She hated to be out of control. But she could not help it. No one could. There was no hug, no kiss, no comforting word that helped. Nothing. If she couldn't get her boys back, this pain would stay forever. And no one could bring them back. Of course, in despair, she had tried to find a spell, a potion, anything to do it. But Loki had reminded her of the futility. What once was dead would not come back the same. However, grief was a horrible bastard. It turned people into frantic monsters and sobbing piles of mush. Sigyn had been both. She was both at the same time, when it hit her.
She barely reacted in his arms, apart from leaning into him. Her gaze was on the lake. "Do you remember when you taught Vali how to swim? He was....I think about five years old....No! He was six, I am sure, because I was trying to keep Narvi from crawling into the lake with you.", Sigyn calmly recollected. Then, she chuckled. The chuckle sounded happy, light-hearted, but it was a sneaky bastard. Of course, she wasn't happy. "You didn't want to go too deep into the water with him and explained from a distance, but he just sank and sank and sank and eventually, you were entirely soaked, hip-deep in water and fully dressed. It was absolutely, ridiculously beautiful." A moment of silence passed, "At the end of that day, Vali knew how to swim."
There were countless stories Sigyn had memorized. And she'd recollect them from time to time, especially on days like these. Loki had heard them all, over and over again. Yet he never said a word about it. Sigyn loved him for his patience with her, knowing he was not a patient man.
The feeling of happiness faded as the memory turned into what it was: A memory. Not real. Sigyn bit her lip, dropped her head and took another breath to regain composure. It didn't work. She was one second short of having an emotional break down. So she withdrew from Loki and quickly got up in order to collecte her spear. After having twisted it around on her palm virtuously a few times, her eyes grew golden. The spear, with its golden edges, changed shape and eventually, Sigyn was holding a morning star. Beautifully carved wood, a golden chain and a golden, spiked ball at its end. She shook it the faintest bit, so it'd swing. "I think that's the next thing I want to learn," she said, staring at the ball.
And all of a sudden, she forcefully swung it around and pulled the wood down. The spiked ball hit the trunk of a nearby tree and got stuck instantly, the sharp spikes having cut through the wood like butter. Sigyn was still holding the wooden handpiece. "So, if I pass, you'll stop loving me, too?", she asked, almost sounding casual.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 14:02:44 GMT -7
Did he remember? Yes, Loki remembered every significant moment of their children's short lives. Sometimes he felt he remembered all of the moments, whether significant or not. It was odd, as he barely remembered his own childhood. That had been millennia ago, but so had these memories of theirs, that they held so dear. They were more recent, certainly, but he remembered them with a clarity that his other memories lacked. It was the happiness, the contentedness he felt with them. He knew with a certainty that he would never be that content again.
He chuckled with Sigyn as she recounted the story of Vali learning to swim. He had been very protective of their sons, and swimming was a dangerous thing to learn. He'd held his little son in his hands, Vali so excited to learn, and it had been a moment he had known he would treasure forever, even before the stain of death had blackened their lives.
"I remember, as I remember the day he was born, and the day Narvi was born. When you handed Vali to me, you looked more radiant and happy than I had ever seen you, even after enduring hours of pain. I was proud of you, and him. Of us." He did not realize that his hands had instinctively come to his chest, as though he were cradling one of the baby boys at this moment.
She took a breath, then suddenly was on her feet again. He turned around to watch her pick up her spear. By the time he reached her, she had turned the spear into a morning star, golden, delicately wrought but strong and effective. He thought she might have gathered herself, since she had changed the subject, or else she did not feel like going through memories anymore. But then she asked a question that left him absolutely floored.
It took some time before he could answer. His lips parted, and he started to stammer an answer. Stammer. In all his years of being, even the ones he had spent with her, he had never stammered. He spoke eloquently, the silver tongue of legends. Yet now that ability was lost to him, as he tried to find a way to answer while battling all the emotions that had risen up in him.
Confusion hit him first, then a profound disappointment, a sadness. Then unexpectedly, anger. Anger, absolute outrage. When had he given her cause to doubt his love? He may have given up on their sons, but that was different, a very different kind of love. He had not developed the bond he had with her with their children. It would have been impossible. They had shared more than he ever would with any of his children. He could live without Narvi and Vali. It was difficult, but he had managed.
"How could you ask me that, Sigyn?" he finally responded, facing her. "I am incapable of not loving you. If you-" He stopped abruptly, not wanting to think again of what might happen should he lose her. After the loss of their sons, she was all that kept him tied to reality, he was certain. She was his conscience, his support, his guidance. Without that, what was he?
He studied her, a darkness spreading over his face. She was not well today. He had to remember that. He had vowed never to hurt her; just because her words had stung did not mean he should repay her in kind. "If you passed… I would be lost."
There would be no reasoning with her today. He knew that much from experience. Pulling the chain lightly, he dislodged the ball from its place in the tree and handed it to her chain first so the spikes would not cut her. "Come, let's see about breakfast."
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 14:42:43 GMT -7
Of course, the love she had shared with her boys was different to the love she had for Loki. Neither triumphed over the other. But all those relationship shared the same intensity. Losing Vali and Narvi equaled losing Loki. The love of a mother could not compare with much else. If Loki died, Sigyn would. If he had been gone when the boys had died, she would have left with them. Some might say that kind of love, attachment was poisonous. And a lot of people would not please to depend on someone else like Sigyn depended on Loki. But it was a fact. There was no changing it. Forever didn't appeal to her much if she had to endure it alone.
She noticed his struggle for composure. He was stammering. Sigyn could not recall having heard him stammer. He always knew what to say. How to say it, lie or not. And now, he was lost for words. And that made her goddamn angry. She watched him dislodge the ball from the tree, but she didn't move. Sigyn's gaze was pure poison as she looked at him. "How could I ask you that? You want to know what possibly came over me asking you that? Are you fooling me, my lord?", she bitterly hissed, "You fell out of love with your sons. The sons you have created, grown from your seed. The boys that slept in your arms hours after they had been born. Your flesh and blood, the very essence of you and me. And you fell out of love with them. If biology, if that wonder is not enough for you to forever love someone, then how could you possibly love me forever?"
There was no empathy, no warmth in her voice. It was spitting rage. Luckily, there was no hatred, either. Underneath it all, it was her pain making her talk in such a venomous tongue. Still, Sigyn had no understanding whatsoever for his feelings. How could he possibly have stopped loving what he had created, boys that had fallen around his neck with a giggle on their lips. Children he had tucked in at night. Children he had created, people she had birthed after hours of pain.
"I am lost for words, Loki of Asgard. How dare you suggest to create another child when you are cold-hearted like this? Oh! But that is it, isn't it? You don't care enough to expect to suffer." She shook her head at him and rushed past him. Sigyn didn't even know where she was headed to. Of course, she didn't mean to be so rude. She didn't even mean what she had thrown into his face. But this was her out of control. The thing she hated most about herself.
And obviously, she did not give a damn about breakfast.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 15:45:09 GMT -7
When she started calling him "my lord" again, when she began to hiss her words, Loki knew she was upset. By what right? She had been the one to hurt him, not the other way around. Or was she hurt by the fact that he had, as she so callously put it, fallen out of love with their children? Was that what had happened? When she put it in such terms, it made him recoil, reconsider his actions and choices with regard to his family.
He had turned away before she began to speak, thinking they would head back to the palace for a meal. Now he spun back around to face her, hearing the hiss in her tone. He was met with a glare just as deadly. Her words fell hard, each like a physical hit to his gut. By the time she was finished, his eyes had widened, and his jaw dropped.
He must remind himself that she had no idea what she was saying. She was speaking out of pain, the pain of this day. Still, did that give her the right to address him so? After so much time, had she not learned how he truly felt? Did he have to tell her? He took a step toward her, leaned down so that their eyes were at the same level.
"I mourned with you, Sigyn, though I did not cry and scream and lock myself in my chambers. I wanted to, did you know that? But I did not, because it is not my place to do so, and because you needed me to be strong. One of us had to be. So I put the pain aside and held you when you cried. I put it all aside so I could stand by you when even Greta dared not try. I put it inside and let it turn me this cold to them, because we needed it! I had to choose, them or you. They were gone, you still could survive. It was logical. So I set it all aside for you!
"Would you like to be numb like me, Sigyn? I can show you how. But I envy you, that you still have that bond and that love. For them. I miss them more than I could bear. So yes, I closed my heart to them. It hurt too much, Sigyn. I cared too much. I suffered! How dare you suggest that I-"
A gasp broke through his lips then, of exhaustion and frustration, and he had to stop and turn away for a moment. When he turned to her again a few seconds later, it was as though he had been completely reset. The emotion was gone from his eyes, and when he spoke, his tone was flat, devoid of everything but simple courtesy.
"I joined you here to comfort you, my lady. I am afraid I have failed at that task. Please forgive my intrusion. I will leave you to your grief, as I apparently know nothing of it. I will have the staff leave a meal in your chambers."
It took every ounce of strength within him to not fall apart in her arms, and to simply turn away and walk toward his horse. This had been a mistake, one he would correct by removing himself from her presence before more damage could be done.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 16:06:06 GMT -7
Loki was leaving her absolutely speechless. Why did Sigyn get the feeling that he was lecturing her about the way she had dealt with Narvi's death? Was he mad at her for breaking down? Had it been that wrong? That outrageous? Sigyn had not wanted to break down as she had, but she had not been able to avoid it, either. It had almost been a physical reaction. Food had just not found its way down her throat, sleep had rarely come. All these years, she had put up with his antics and done as he pleased. She had wanted to be strong for him, she still did, but sometimes, Sigyn failed.
Had she expected him to be numb? No. Actually, until now, Sigyn had thought keeping it down had just been his way of dealing. She had known he had suffered, was still suffering. But she hadn't known that he was genuinely numb. What if he grew numb towards her, too. She'd be as lost without him as he'd be without her. Sigyn could not say a single word about this. She didn't want to. With all her being, she wanted to punch him in the face. Harshly. But she didn't.
"Very well, my lord," she hissed again. She did not turn around or try to make him return. She just continued to march deeper into the woods. Sigyn had no direction. The only thing she wanted to do was get it out of her system. An ill-fated attempt and erasing memories she didn't even want to get rid of. Remembering her sons equaled remembering their deaths. It was the most bittersweet thing she had ever experienced.
Hours later, at dusk, Sigyn was riding back towards the palace that was her home. She had hiked all day, practiced, hidden as deep in the woods as possible. And she had cried. Cried in hopes no one would hear her. And nobody had.
She used the staff's hallways in order not to bump into anyone. Before finding Loki, Sigyn took a bath, in order to get rid of all the sweat and dirt that had found its way on her body during the day. She had neither eaten, nor slept. She was as exhausted as she needed to be to sleep tonight.
Wrapped in a light robe that closed at the front, she entered their chambers in order to find him. She had some things to say. Sigyn found Loki sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace in their salon. She walked through the room and crouched down in front of him. Her eyes, that had been shooting daggers at him before, were now pregnant with remorse, guilt and exhaution. Sigyn put her head into his lap, if he allowed it and kept quiet for a moment. "I am so sorry, my love," she whispered. "It is not your fault. Nothing is. You're everything to me. I cannot judge you for your feelings and I will not. I never have." Now that she saw things clearer, Sigyn realized that she had taken her pain and frustration out on him and that had not been very fair. Loki was doing everything he could. If not for him, who knew whether she would have survived the deaths of her children. He made her go on. Moreover, he made her want to go on. For him. For them. "I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have." Was this a slight hint at what she was truly feeling? That she had failed him as his wife? When earlier, she had been mad and had wanted to get away, now she just wanted to be as close as possible. Luckily, this was what she usually felt like with him.
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Loki Laufeyson
Villain Staff
God[M:0]
Why did you choose to lean on a man you knew was falling?
Posts: 357
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Post by Loki Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 21:44:34 GMT -7
As the day progressed, Loki began to wonder which had been the greater mistake, following Sigyn to the lake in the first place, or leaving her there. At first, he convinced himself that he should have left her to herself, and that in the end, he had made the right choice. She would be fine. She just needed space.
He took breakfast, then spent the day alone indoors, sometimes reading, sometimes doing nothing, staring as his thoughts made his mind wander. Vali's first step. Narvi's first step. Their first words. Teaching Vali to read. Vali had been a series of firsts for them, as their first born, their first experience in parenting. Loki had never been confident about how good a father he had been, and perhaps that was part of the reason for his detachment and numbness.
At lunch, he had only a glass of wine. By then, concern for Sigyn was setting in heavily, and he started to consider going back out to the woods to find her. He was still angry, though, to some extent. What good would it do, if they found each other both still upset? They would yell and fight again, and part on the same poor terms.
Going back and forth on the subject, he never actually left to look for her. Indecision led to inaction. Eventually he decided that if she was not back by dusk, he would search for her. He would give her space, but he would not leave her outside all night.
When dusk fell, he was in his chambers, reading before the fire. He was exhausted, despite having done nothing for most of the day. Noting the time, he again considered looking for Sigyn, and was preparing himself to get up and ride out to her when she entered the room.
He set aside the book he had been reading, and looked up at her as she walked over to him. When she crouched in front of him and set her head in his lap, he stroked her face gently, ready to apologize and forgive even before she spoke. As she apologized, he lifted her head and cradled her chin in his hands.
"You once said that fighting is the greatest display of affection. I thought it strange then. Strange words from a strange maiden." He smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry for all I said, for only increasing your pain on this day. It was selfish of me."
But his smile faded as she spoke of disappointing him. What did she mean? He could find no fault with her or anything she had done. "My love, you could never disappoint me. You have only ever made me proud."
There was clearly something waiting to be said behind that statement, something on her mind that he was unaware of and could not guess. "What is it?" he asked softly, hoping she would tell him what was bothering her, but not wanting to push her into telling him.
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Sigyn Laufeyson
Neutral
Goddess[M:0]
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will.
Posts: 337
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Post by Sigyn Laufeyson on Jul 2, 2012 22:07:36 GMT -7
He was right. If Sigyn didn't care, she would not have fought with him. She would have stopped talking. Maybe, she would have physically hurt him. But fighting with him? Yelling at him? No, that had happened, because she cared and she wanted him to care. Loki's touch stole a small sigh from her lips. It was so good to know they were not mad at each other anymore. She could not take being mad at him well, much less Loki being the angry one. Sigyn closed her eyes when he kissed her forehead. Eventually, she climbed up on the couch, leaning her side against the back of it, legs pulled underneath her body. Her hand was on Loki's shoulder, soft fingertips playing with the tips of his hair. It had grown quite long these days.
Without even realizing it, she had given more away than she had intended to. Sigyn hadn't wanted to burden him with her thoughts. Moreover, she hadn't wanted to burden herself. So she averted her gaze, looked at his lap for a moment. It was too late now. Loki had noticed something was up. What did it even matter? He was a good husband. Sigyn had never confided in someone as much as she had confided in Loki. "I did not give you children that lived. And when they died, I failed at being strong for you," she said in a mere, thin whisper, put her cheek on his shoulder and watched the fire burn. Something had to be wrong with her. All of her friends from back in the days had raised good, proud children of Asgard. Warriors. Proud ladies.
Only Sigyn had failed at that.
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